The Outtakes From Hell!
by Jack Borroughs
Summary: Here it is, what if my fic, 'The Men From Hell', was made into a movie, what kind of mayhem and wild antics would ensue?
1. Default Chapter

Here it is, what if my fic, 'The Men From Hell', was made into a movie, what kind of mayhem and wild antics would ensue?

The cast of

Nasserudin Shah as Captain Nemo aka Prince Dakkar Jason Flemyng as Dr. Henry JekyllEdward Hyde Peta Wilson as Wilhamina 'Mina' Murray Tony Curran as Rodney Skinner (The Invisible Man)  
Shane West as Tom Sawyer Mark Addy as Col. Campion Bond

and a special appearance by Michael Cain as Frederick Abberline

Chapter I : Prologue:

The constables close in on Jekyll, in a desperate attempt at escape he throws a punch at one of them, and let's loose a kick to an others groin...

"OWWWWW!" screams the actor, "YOU CAUGHT ME FOR REAL! FLEMYNG NEUTERED ME, THE BASTARD!"

Flemyng is embarrassed, and awkwardly tries to sneak out as the other actors snicker, and the director yells "CUT!" and orders an assistant to fetch some ice.

Chapter II : Suspect Jekyll:

The League arrives at London harbor, Skinner makes a crack about being back home, infuriating Sawyer to say, "I don't get it, bad boos, worst weather, twisted killers, the only sport is soccer, why do people still live here?"

Curran steps out of character, and says, "What did you say"  
Shane steps out of character as well, chuckles and says, "I was just kidding, what is it with soccer anyway? How can a sport not require the use of hand?"

Curran is offended, and yells, "Soccer requires a great deal of talent, intelligence and coordination, any half witted monkey can put on 50 pounds of protection and run around with a ball"  
West is offended, they start to exchange words, the director yells "CUT!" several times, to no avail, Nasserudin Shah comes in to cool the air, and says, "You know what sport I find engaging, Cricket."

"Don't get me started on that nascence!" says West.  
"It beat's the HELL OUT OF BASEBALL!"

A brawl brakes out, the crew, Flemyng, the stuntmen all trade punches, the director barks obscenities and storms off as security rushes in, soon followed by the cops, Peta Wilson watches as the crew and cast are taken away, and mumbles, "Sport-fanatic dumb-arses!"

Filming was postponed for two weeks till all cooled down, everyone contract was altered to include a new clause stating that the discussion of sports is a no-no, punished by less screen time and pay cuts.

Sawyer interviews the Constables who arrested Jekyll, asking what went down during the fight, Constable Lumper says, "Constable Garret got kicked in the pims! We had to carry him home!"

Everyone recalls Flemyng's kick and start to snicker, infuriating the director.

Chapter III : The Royal Conspiracy:

Nemo walked threw the empty church early at dawn, and made his way to the confession booth, where he sat down and waited till he heard someone come in and speak to him, saying, "When was your last confession"  
"Hold on for a minute." say's Shah as he gets out, and talks to the director, "This doesn't make sense"  
"What? The Invisible men or the Kennedy Assassination?" asks the director impatiently.

"My character is proud Seikh, and a bit of a xenophobe, in the early 20th century, wouldn't he think that entering a church is beneath him"  
"Well, do you think so"  
"I don't but my characters might"  
"Let's say that you do"  
"You mean my character does"  
"Yes, Whatever"  
"But I don't think so." says shah, and then calls out, "Flemyng, do you think I'm right?"

Flemyng is too concentrated in playing a video game that he doesn't really hear the question, and says, "You absolutely right!"

The director is about to explode, but he contains himself and says, "Tell you what, do it my way and you'll have your name first on the credits"  
"But doesn't Flemyng have first billing"  
"He doesn't mind, do you?" asked the director impatiently.  
"You're absolutely right!" says Flemyng, who is still deeply amerced in his video game.  
"Great," says the director, "Let's take it from the top."

The scene is re-shot, and as Shah enters the booth, the window slides open to reveal the actor playing Abberline, Michael Cain, who says, "By the way, you're absolutely right"  
"Thank you, Mr. Cain, enjoy your cameo."

As Cain and Shah Carrie out their dialogue, Flemng is still outside, and he raises his hands in triumph, "A New High Score, yepi!"

He looks to his left, and sees Peta staring at him with mild contempt, "What? What did I do?" asks Flemyng.  
"You gave up First Billing." she answers.  
"What? When?"

Peta rolls her eyes and walks away, muttering, "Dumb-Arse!" 


	2. Chapter 2

Jekyll goes to open the door for Sawyer, when he sees him, Jason remembers the whole deal with the soccer and the fight between the cast and crew members.

"You've got to be kidding me!" says Jekyll angrily, it doesn't escape the director the passion put into the line.

"Jason's acting has improved." he whispers to his assistant, who nods in agreement.

"Hi," said Sawyer, "Mind If I come in?"

Sawyer then rudely brushes past Jekyll.

"He's supposed to wait for Jekyll's response." says the assistant.  
"No, I like where this is going." said the director.

"Jesus," Sawyer said, "You got real loaded, didn't you? Skinner is still hangover."

"Sawyer," said Jekyll abruptly, "I'm hangover myself, what do you want?"

The anger in Jason's words causes the director to smile seeing better than usual acting from Jason.

"Fine then, I want you to get some reason and tell me all you know about the murders, who is next?" asked Shane rudely, also gaining the directors approval.  
"I don't know"  
"That's bull."

"That's no in the script!" says the assistant.  
"Shhhhh!"

"Honestly, I don't know"  
"Oh my God, you're scared out of your mind, those people who put you up to this really have you care doubt of your mind, and I didn't reckon you were a coward"  
"Listen West, I don't like you, I never have actually, and you coming here, with me suffering the aftermath of a night of drinking, rudely asking me to tell you what I don't know"  
"Don't throw a cow, I'm leaving."

"What the hell is going on?" asks the assistant furiously.  
"Cut." yells the director, "That's good, guys, take five and we'll move on to the nest scene."

The crowed scatters as the assistant says, "They botched the scene, Jason called him WEST! And there were twelve other lives in the scene"  
"It's good this way; we'll have Jay dub in 'Sawyer' during editing." says the director, very happy, "Who would have thought that a difference of pinion over sports could generate such emotion!"

Jekyll pulled on the candle and part of the brick wall silently slid up, he went to walk down the stairs when he suddenly tripped on something and fell the eight steps down.

Everyone was shocked and went to help Jason who screamed "Who put that log there? It was West"  
"West hasn't been on set all day, sir." said a cameraman.

Meanwhile, Peta is laughing loudly.

"Why are you laughing? Do you think this is funny?" asks Jason angrily.  
"Yes," answers Peta, she then stops laughing and sharply asks, "Want to make something of it"  
"No, Miss Wilson, I was just curious."

Chapter V: Wesley Warren:

"Are you sure you don't want any?" asks Michele as Jekyll was by the door, Jekyll turned around to face her, as he was wrapping his scarf around his lower face.

"I mean, you did pay for a throw, actually, Hundreds of throws. Enough for every man in Whitechappel to be grinning for the rest of his life"  
"No." said Jekyll as he opened the door.  
"Are you a... eunuch?"

" 'es 'ung as an 'orse!" someone suddenly yells.

"What? Who said that?" asks the director as he spins around.

"I did, I'm 's wife!" answers a woman in her early thirties, looking slightly demented, "I love you Jason, you were the best thing that ever happened to me, why did you leave me? WHY?"

"Mr. Flemyng, what's this!" asks the director furiously.  
"Don't believe her, she's crazy! We went out in 1998 and she's been stalking me ever since, I've got a restraining order and everything." answers Jason.

"Who was it, was it her?" asks the stalker as she points at Jane Leeves, who is too stunned to answer.

"WAS IT THAT BITCH?" asks the stalker as she looks at Peta.  
"Like HELL I AM!" answers Peta.

"You 'ores are all alike! All you think about is getting as much..."

"Miss Deranged Stalker," calls Tony Curran, "You may not want to finish that sentence"  
"Why?" asked the stalker as she lunged at Peta to attack her, only to by assaulted by an array of hooks and jabs and finally ended with an uppercut by Peta sending her crashing through a wooden table.

"Ehh, That's why." says Curran.

Stuart Townsend who is visiting the set approaches with a Digital Camera asking, "Awesome Chcik fight, how much do you think I'm going to get for it if I sell it to the Sun?"

Chapter VI: The Masonic Conspiracy:

Jekyll leans in to kiss the stunned Mina; their lips meet for a several seconds, longer than supposed to actually.

"Cut! It took to long, go back to the 'It crushed me line'!" shouts the director.  
"Wow, I don't think my boyfirend is going to appreciate that." says Peta.  
"It'll be our little secret." says Jason, grinning.

It took a few dozens of takes for the two to do the kiss right, or quickly enough, but at the end, they pulled it off. 


End file.
